Confessions of a Chocolaholic Pt II

I feel sexy when I listen to a soulful song and dance with a syncopated twerk. Beautiful when I swim or sing or feel wind or sunshine . Healthy when I walk to work or take deeeeep breathes out the window. Fit when I step in the help move something and surprise people when my strength!

None of those moments are conducive to a number on a scale or the back on a pair or pants.

Yet lately that is the place I'm looking for them all.

Sexy.. maybe with a little less there and more there.
Beautiful... god not with this belly fat
Healthy... the only thing I ingested today that wasn't carbs was water.. when I brushed my teeth.
Fit.. not fitting into any of my clothes anymore.

This is tough and this is what I told people they are more than . Here I am feeling crushed under the... weightt .. of myself.

Since I've been here. I gained 20lbs. which is like WOAH. because it's only been 3 months... and
I'm not used to myself with more of myself in certain places. But on the contrary 120lbs is completely fine!!

This is where I find myself caught between advocate and critic. It's a very messy place to be and I don't want/ feel I need to ramble on more about my thoughts. So I leave you with this...

Last week I sent my sister this email and a picture of me in my bathing suit at my apartments pool. I'm going to publish my email but not her reply due to the fact it's her personal response. But after I sent this to my sister I was feeling a mix of humility and failure with my image and the fact that I hadn't lived up to my own words to her especially about self love in the past. Anyways my sister's reply brought me to tears. I love her sooooooo much. I am taking it day by day to love myself inside and out. so no more holding my breath in front on the mirror and no more cake for breakfast...or at least smaller slices!

To: Threcia
Subject: Me Lol

Soooooo here's me weighing in at 120lbs lol I gained total 20lbs since I've been here.. its been hard for me to handle lately. Its funny I am used to being there for people when they are upset about there weight. Telling them to love themselves and not use the f word... fat.... but I use it like evert day. And you know what .. I shouldn't because 120lbs is just fine and hell yeah ill eat a burger and fries and still have room for dessert. "Sexy" is a dangerous and illusive word. Young girls should be reading Maya Angelou instead of cosmopolitan and seventeen. That being said I just started a 7 day diet . Like wtf is this . I'm not happy with my figure but I refuse to be sad. So I'm trying my best to balance and loose a bit of it because fuck 20 lbs in 3 months... ugh. There my venting <3

Ps. My hairs just braided back not cut off :p


From the wisdom of Justin Bieber. I will like the way I look so much, baby, I am gonna love myself!

Dear Sydney,

It's not you it's me. Well we can call this one even. These past 3 months have been great! Don't get me wrong I love the time we've spent together. Some of the best time of my life. But I'm ready for change now. In fact I'm eager. I would leave tomorrow but I have to wait at least another month. So we still have some time! One last "hurrah" as they say. What do you reckon?

I've made a list, a few things I want to do before I go. I should mention I don't even know where I'm going yet. I heard if I go to Darwin any job I get qualifies for the second visa! Oh yeahhhh I didn't mention that part yet.. well there it is! Yupp! One more year here in Australia, though not with you , you'll always be my first. My first city. Sydney can I say it. I promise I mean it. Don't let this confuse emotion on the notion of my departure..but... I love you. There is definitely  chemistry here. I just need to see more, do something different. Get out of the city for awhile. I reckon it'll be good for me. Actually great!

After my 88 or so days my plans so far include living in a van and collecting CD's. I thought you'd laugh at that one! Seriously though. I should have enough money saved to buy a van and get it on the road. Then from where ever I am I'll pimp my ride and plan a roadie! So you might see me again in the end. Than again a little piece of my heart will always be yours regardless. Pffftt stop you're making me blush. As for collecting CD's that's serious too.. not too many. But I like to listen to full albums lately and being on the road it'll be just perf. Last week I went to the vinnies in Campsie, when I bought my skateboard and bought 2 CD's. I'll call it a blind date because I just judge by the cover. No shame in this case. I read the song titles and pick! roulette! So both CD's ended up being  like heavy rock alternative. Not horrible , I like everything, but not at all what I expected. Which is half the fun!

Anyways let's make my last months here extra special! Hey Sydney, don't be sad!! It's just time! Eventually it gets us all.

Yours Truly,
Raisha

 xoxo

Sawadee ka! The Land of Thai

If I start this with a reference to Pokémon how many people will stop reading..? okay okay I’ll come back to it. But I promise it’s not what you think. Although I shouldn’t make such a presumptuous guarantee because I have no idea who’s reading this with or without Pokémon references and what y’all are thinking regardless. Maybe now you’re thinking TELL US ABOUT THAILAND! Hehe okay.

Day one.

The air was crisp as was I, sharp to leave my flat at the crack of 6:30 am.  10am the air craft of which I was scheduled to board would depart from the land I’ve called home, away from home ,for the past 3 months. I began to embark on a journey to discover a new soil.  A total change for mind, spirit and flesh.

Just kidding..

Yes I am over organized and did what I call a first tier packing about a week ahead. Make sure I had all the basics and a clear mind of what exactly I’d need. Than tier 2 a “re pack” a few days before. The final tier , tier 3 the night before triple check and re think on some things.

So from 6am the morning previous to my departure I’d woken up for work and decided I’m not going to sleep this night. I’ll stay up 24 hours. “NO. SLEEP. TILL. THAIIII LAND.”

5:00pm Home from work. Let the games begin.

Hour one.

I rushed like a mad woman to get my laundry done by 6:30 when the laundry matt closes. I got there at 6:24. (Oh I can hear you sighing with relief and see the corners of your mouth beginning to form a “grin” because yay Raisha you made it ??) They were closed. 6:24..

Hour two... Honestly if I do this is in segments of hours I’ll have to divide 192 hours into paragraphs.

I can’t conceive this baby adventure again. Atleast not in a frame of time that most people’s attention span will allow me too. Since being home, answering everyone’s questions (same same same ness) and going through pictures (rem rem reminisce) and finally uploading them to Facebook. A friend said to me “I like your style of pics and how it discloses your proper vision of the world” and that really means a lot to me. 

1. Because during my time in Thailand for the first time in a while, to this degree, I felt lonely. Ugh. I hate using the word because it’s like a label and it’s like a black bubble. It's such a thin layer around you but you can see out of it. So it was nice to have someone say something so particular to me.

2. Amidst and after my lonely moments I tried to be completely there. Relish  in the fact that I am in Thailand , trying to etch every detail into my brain was like using one of those fascinating yet frustrating  sketch toys. To verify the likeness of a brain to an Etch A Sketch here is a description from

Wikipedia “Twisting the knobs moves a stylus that displaces aluminum powder on the back of the screen, leaving a solid line. The knobs create lineographic images. The left control moves the stylus horizontally, and the right one moves it vertically.”

Now that’s a great metaphor if I do say so myself.

GOTTA CATCH EM ALL. There’s the Pokémon reference. I went with the band aid method for this one.

With 1. the loniless and 2. The relish. I found myself like a wiener in a hotdog with a one week expiry date. Not so great metaphor. I felt more than ever I wanted to capture every moment. Every shade of green , every street name, every statue, shrine and palace, every taxi and tuk tuk driver, every daring scooter maneuver, every smell...well not every. But especially every sonderous ocular exchange with every local and fellow tourist.

It’s this infatuation that led me to realize it’s not feasible. I can’t catch em all. No matter how good the wifi is, how many likes I get on social media, the amount of souvenirs or the level of enthusiasm in my voice when I share my stories upon my return. Most of what made my experience amazing were the things that seem to slip through my conscience. The little things. The memories that happen spontaneously. The moments I carry in my heart that aren’t tangible for my mind anymore.

I think it’s meant to be this way. The connectedness felt when becoming familiar with people and places that are worlds apart from home. Traces of ourselves left behind on the faces of every smiling stranger and an Etch in the Sketch of every acquaintance.

Untill next time Thailand. <3 If I may make such a presumptuous guarantee.

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10154381186974933.1073741837.514274932&type=1&l=db9c6c60c2&refid=17&_ft_=top_level_post_id.10154381412154933%3Atl_objid.10154381412154933%3Athid.514274932%3A306061129499414%3A2%3A0%3A1472713199%3A7237121867472751133

No Sleep Till Thailand

It is currently 2:11 am. I have impressed myself . When the idea to pull an all nighter came to fruition I was doubtful towards my abilities to crusade the strong temptations of ..
"the natural periodic loss of consciousness during which the body restores itself ". -Slumber , as defined by Marriam Webster.

Honestly I usually go to bed at 10.... and I prefer to wake up earlier than my alarm... what have I become, this..
"pleb who's circadiam rythym is intertwined with the morning." Morning Person, as defined by Raisha Chamberlain.

It's alright though. Ain't no shame bout it.

ANYWAYS IN LESS THAN 8 HOURS I'LL BE ON A PLANE TO THAILAND.

Due to my lack of sleep and 3rd glass of wine . I will  proceed to conclude this post.

Upon my return from the land of Thai on the 16th of August, a synopsis of my adventures will be written.

Peace and Love!

Macklemoore and Ryan Lewis

I’m so glad I decided not to be cheap. My co workers and I ate lunch in a vacant room the day before and this commercial about life insurance and funeral expenses came on...

Dont leave your loved ones in debt...we’re so glad we got insured with blah blah and saved blah and get blah percent in blah and whatever whatever the kicker here is when they say “age 18-65 to apply”

Like as soon as your 18 you have to think about dyeing and money. The christening for adulthood is basically financial agony. And It’s bad enough we have to worry about money most of our lives. We even have to worry about not worrying others about money when were dead. It’s a vicious cycle. Saturday morning I looked at the bank and sang myself some Donna Summers..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX7MbG6MiQs

Actually I was singing Macklemoore’s Brad Pitts cousin because that’s the first music video that came on rage when I was getting ready for work. It was then in this groove infected moment I purchased my ticket.

T-12 hours till concert..

19:30 ... ARRIVING TO THE ARENA.

Station and buss traffic were heavy and I juuussstttttt made it on the train before the doors closed and I had to push this lady out of my way and I regret nothing. My seat was ummm decent... But I had the end of the row so I scurried down to an empty row.. I had to move not once.... not twice... nope third wasn’t the charm... it was my seat for the opening song but ... by the fourth seat I had finally found the one. The one that wasn’t actually someone else’s paid seat.

Being able to feel something from an artist through headphones and music videos can be so powerful! Experiencing that power with 10,00 other music lovers , with the raw talent and emotion from the artist themselves, is an experience beyond what words can articulate.

Macklemoore x Ryan Lewis are one of my favourite artists. Lyrically authentic, fresh, irresistible, juicy.. Yes I’m eating cinnamon rolls while writing this but let not my taste bud bias distract thou. The style and content of their music is just an incredible manifold ,  flowing into topics from thrift shopping and over popularity of drug use in rap music to body positivity and Mopeds!

His past experiences with drugs and alcohol are a big part of the music as well. The honesty is what I think really resonates with listeners. In between songs Macklemoore spoke to the crowd about funny travel stories and his genuine gratitude for us all being there. Once specifically about being “here” in life. “We’re always saying when we get there yeah then things will be goooood. Next week, after this year of school, when I leave for that vacation . That’s when. But what about now. We have to be happier with where were at . Appreciate it in every situation.”  He talked about peace, justice, fatherhood and ..

DONUTS. One epic moment after the song “let’s eat” he threw donuts into the crowd and saved one very sprinkly very glazy donut. Selected one very very far back (he said “it’s not fair only the front row gets a donut”) dude in beige , hyped the crowd, wound up his throwing arm and _______ *insert sound effect for the toss of a donut of such notability* AND THE DUDE IN BEIGE CAUGHT IT.

“I don’t know what happened but I see a donut in that mans hand, That deserves an award for the most athleticism shown at a hip hop concert “

Not to mention involving a donut!!!!!!

I could either tangent off into the beauty of being connected by music and delve into my soul for paragraphs upon nonsense upon cramped fingers. Or I can end simply with

Last night was by far one of the best nights of my life.

Meeting Anna

I think it's funny how some days you can feel so single in the world , like you don't share enough similarities with A type of people or B type of people. Than there are days like yesterday! Days when the mystical forces that work for good in the universe connect you with someone is a way that is truley amazing!

Yesterday I met my cousin Anna. She was adopted out of my family at birth. Now here we both are in Australia , about 3 generations and just and hour and a half apart.

My Dad is the youngest of 3 kids from my grandmother, who also adopted out one of her children. (I realised there is a lot of hereditary patterns in the family!) My Dad and Grandmother immigrated to Canada in about 1958 . My Dad was 11 and his sister, my aunt Valerie would have been around 20 at the time. I never met my aunt Valeria but she would always write us and I rememeber as a kid being so fasiniated by the fact that I have an aunty in England.

So Fast forward... my aunt Valerie passed away 10 years ago and we lost contact with her children. Untill last year I found her daughter Perri on facebook and we started to catch up. At the time I was just planning to come to Australia. When I told Perri about my plans she told me she found out she has an adopted sister who lives in Australia!

Fast fast forward to yesterday, I met her! We spent the day walking in a cute little beach community , had lunch and than tea at her place. We shared stories about our immiediate families which funnily share many things in common! She told me her story of finding her birth mother and sisters. Anna and her husband used ancestry.com , wrote letters, mailed away for certificates of marriages and deaths and were able to piece so much together! She gave me 3 family tree's from her sisters and mother to my grandmother , back to my great great great great great's . Dating all the way back to 1786!

I felt a strong connection with Anna. It was partly the wow factor of being connected with a person who is directly related to me. Who is so many years and seas apart from me! But also being connected in a metaphysical sense to a whole new realm of family roots. Did I mention ALL THE WAY BACK TO 1786.

That is 230 years of people and places and love and loses , immigrating and working, hobbies and babies, dinners on holidays and cake on birthdays... all the marvelous aspects of human existence. Individual lives. 210 years that are indispensible to my existence. My individual life.

For me yesterday was like an inhertience of knowledge and love from the uniervse. A really extra-ordinary reminder that we are all apart of something in a way that is much greater than we may ever ever understand. Much more than even our acknowledgements of the serendipitous extend to.

"Salutations from the cosmos of consanguinity."