Confessions of a Chocolaholic Pt. I

I feel like my head is going to explode. And my heart is beating in a rhythm that is trying to soothe my mind but inevitably the brain is the center of control. What is it about vanity. I like to say fuck the what! But seriously what the fuck.

My whole life I've been the runt of my family.

"have more you could use some extra weight"

"I don't think you'll ever gain weight"

"Your so tiny how much do you weigh now"

Weight .weight. weight..

Than the people I love came to the stages of weight gain in life, like a brick thrown at a glass friend who used a reflection to flatter you. Until what was reflected was a fatter you.

Failed diets. Lack of motivation. Chocolate. Cheat nights. Holidays. Gym memberships. Pay cheques down the drain. teas. fast fixes. Magazine covers of "skinny" girls "fit" girls "sexy" girls.  Weight loss goals. Weight gained. Weighing the consequences of each meal. Weighing the amount of carbs per meal. Weight. Weight. Weight

Id been an advocate to my friends and family. A jog buddy. A "swear to start my diet Monday" officiant.  Its hard to see beautiful people not feel beautiful. And because of the fucking what that makes anyone feel inadequate because of an exterior image built on fleshy ideals and size ratios.... "suitable weight for your height." ___lbs and I'll be happy. Just want to get back to a size ____. I'm just not happy with THIS weight, THE weight. MY weight.

WAIT!!!

Compared to the weight we see everywhere. The weight that separates the skinny from the fat. The sexy from the brave. The healthy from the careless. ?

Sexy, beautiful, healthy , fit words written on labels with an adhesive that has fastened our eyes on people of a favourable size.

Those words all of which are as much, if not more so, a state of mind!