12 Days

Thanks everyone for your grace and love. All who prayed for my nipple and winced in pain as they read the horrors of my tender torn teat. It is healing really really well! Things get better before they get worse, as they say. I’ll assume last week was my worst.

This week I focused all my energy and time on building myself up. Essentially preparing for takeoff and just being present. The things I needed to complete for the next 2-3 weeks which were crucial were the only tasks I focused on. I got things done with such a cleaner mind and didn’t feel torn between tasks or myself.

It makes such a difference just to wake up and start the day without carrying bricks of worry. Worrying what to wear, will I make enough solar sales, what to eat, what to do before my visa expires, will I have enough money for the end of the month... Starting the day in a state of worry completely alters the direction of time and energy.

I had so much I wanted to do and needed to do I was losing my mind in between and my time. This week I made sure to do everything with a fullness. Instead of trying to do 10 things at once, which end up being done half assed. I concentrated on 5 things to devote my full attention to. Number one always being me. As selfish as that may sound, it is 900% what I needed to do. Not only has it worked in terms of task management but inwardly I feel such a fresh, relieving sense of content.

I did some Melbournian things I wanted to do. My volunteering position for Japan is successfully lined up. I am going home in 2 months without any regrets. That is the biggest success for me this week. Deciphering the reasons I didn’t want to go home. In short I had this suppressed or deep seated fear that home means the end. Everyone is excited to see you than it’s done in a few weeks. Back to family shit, back to my old job. That this new life I’ve unlocked will get put in a glass box and I’ll look at it on my shelf of old trophies.

WHAT WAS I THINKING THAT FOR. This is just the beginning. In fact it’s the editor’s note or the epigraph, chapter one is a few pages away. Instead of thinking about all the shitty or scary things attached to home, I’ve been reminiscing about sleeping in my own bed. Unpacking my suitcases I sent home like 6 months ago. EATING MY DADS HOME MADE BREAD. With a spread of butter and cup of tea accompanied by a Reeses peanut butter cup. YUMM. My Moms cooking and even being annoyed at her in person. Over the phone it’s just not the same.. she has this look she gives me when I get vexed at her. AND MY NEICE!!!!!!!!

One thing that causes me grief that I tried to tackle but now decided is one for life to just work out itself. This expectation to go right into study. It is something I do want for my future, I am just not sure what title, what degree what course . what.ever. Coming to Australia was my thing I chose to do to gain a knowledge and experience instead of a degree. And it really has been that and so much more.

To my surprise and perhaps ironically, during this week of me finally finding the balance I needed. I had two family members, whom I am not in consistent contact with, make a remark about me needing to come home and get a real job and go to school already. WOAH. I was/am actually offended because one comment was made to my Dad and the other to me over a textual conversation that maybe happens once a month. I love both people but neither of them are up to date directly from me with the phases of my evolution. For them to make these comments, as if I am degrading myself, was just a shock.

My Dad has been reading my blogs, nipples, cigarettes, f bombs and all! And the conversations we have now are so great. He knows my situations from jobs, stress and money. Those are my weekly phone-ular updates. Than when mid rant he’ll say “oh yeah like you said in your blog..” it’s so funny to me because this is me on a different level. It’s very... je ne sais quoi...

Word vomit in a positive connotation. Sometimes I get nervous right before I press the post button. I have my stock pile of unpublished posts that I will re read and post when I’m home because I think it’ll be soooooo intriguing.  My younger cousin in American said she loves when I just write my thoughts. I enjoy it so much and I am just so genuinely full of appreciation that peoples are following me through this world. Highs and lows and in betweens.

12 Days until my visa expires. Marking one full year in Australia. Two nights ago me and my housemates had a really beautiful night. Just talking and sharing love ...and memes. In a conversation topic similar to this posts I said something like “ This one year has felt more full of life and love than perhaps the other 19 I’ve spent on this earth”.

That’s true and frightening and in this week’s serenity, I think the realisation of that and saying that out loud embodied this fullness I have.

What I’m trying to say today is basically. . Check ya self before u wreck ya self.  <3