Home?

A couple nights ago I couldn’t sleep. I had one thing on my mind, that one thing is essentially a Pandora’s box holding billions of things. Those billions of things, more realistically are 27 days. 27 days that I have until my visa expires. 27 days until I leave Australia, until I go to Japan, inevitably getting closer to going back home.

I think I’m getting cold feet. I’m not quite sure if I’m ready to go home. Or what that even means. I can’t exactly identify specific reasons as to what is affecting this conundrum. The closest I’ve got to describing it is that in the universe’s timing it’s time for me to go home. But in my little universe’s time keep it’s not yet. 

For those who have not yet learnt to decipher the contemporary dialect of one Raishian; I mean my family, friends, bank and probably even brain cells (I mean answering the call of secondary education) have all hands of the clock to HOME. On the contrary, my circadian rhythm and perhaps my sense of wanderlust are still rotating around and I’m not sure what gears and measurements are used in this to determine time.

This week at work was a weird bunch of tiny mishaps. Yesterday I missed my tram stop, which is Flemington Community Centre. I get free coffee inside and walk 15 minutes from there to work. But the last 3 days the coffee hasn’t been there...(which I think could be them noticing I come in there just for coffee...)  A stop passed the community centre, where I got off by chance of missed button timing, there is a 7/11. For only $1 I can be caffeinated and to work on time.

A missed tram stop to one is a caffeine secure opening to another. A logical prospect that wasn’t connected to my thought process that morning. I decided to back track and walk to the community centre for the chance of free coffee..this is one more interpretation of “the universe’s time” vs “my insight of time”. I decided to inconvenience myself for a gamble with freedom. When the same or even better opportunity was presented to me, just on a different occasion.

This Thursday morning, caffine deprived, story plus a weekly dose of Raisha has a mini existential crisis... accurately relates to my options when I think about going home or staying here longer.

SHOULD I STY OR SHOULD I GO. DUN DUN DUN DUN NUNU NUNU NAA 

I started a note on my computer of all the projects big and small I want to devote my time and money to when I’m home. Most of these projects are based off of things I’ve learned along my travels. These types of projects I really need the security of home to establish and bring the ideas life. And I’m very eager and enthusiastic to start those. But for whatever reason I keep thinking wwweellll I can spend a little more time away, gaining more experiences and when I go home my bag of ideas and projects will be so full and so knowledgeable, I’ll be more ready to settle down with them.

Again not sure what is weighing this side of the scale.. Of course if I go home, with what I have now and put it to action, I’ll be gaining experiences and knowledge. So why do I feel like risking security and comfort for dreaminess..I know what I have to do. What I should do. What is definitely best. But I want to raise my sanity, savings and home relationships to gamble on wanderlust...

I think writing this out has been more valuable for me than perhaps it has been as a reader..!? It’s all these little situations that grind my gears and I’m not really sure which way they’re going or if the gears are stuck on 3 turns ahead than 3 turns back. Anyways to conclude today’s message, a lyrics from one of my recent musical reliefs.  I’ve been listening to Rocket Man by Elton John almost on repeat, the chorus is..

“And I think it's gonna be a long long time
'Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I'm a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone”